back to civility

just like how a child gets dragged out of a store kicking and screaming by his irritated mother, my return back to the land of tainted milk and underage female gymnasts wasn't an easy one, at least not mentally. the morning of my flight out of JFK, i was my own parent, dragging my ass to the airport, kicking and screaming on the inside, in reluctance of accepting what was waiting for me when i got there. yes, it was back to the 1.3 billion A-holes who sole mission in life is to cut in front of you.

so without disappointment, it only took one of those A-holes to say "welcome back!". as i waited patiently in line at the supermarket to pay for my stuff (only a couple of hours after i got off the plane), the aforementioned A-hole stealthily came from behind me and shoved his two items into the hands of the cashier. although it surely wasn't the first time this has happened to me, the fact that i've only had a few sporadic hours of sleep in my 20+ hours of air travel surely amplified my reaction. seriously, "did THAT just happen?!" i went up to the cashier and grabbed his two items from her hands and threw them behind mine. with no basis for argument, the A-hole went to the end of the line after i heard him murmur under his breath, "CAO!" (pronounced 'tsao') which in this case probably meant, "who the hell does this banana twinkie muthafucker think he is, comin' into my kuntry and tell ME i's gots to wait in line?! Nee-a-ga, i'll kung-fu yo sorry ass back to amerika!"

ah...so nice to be back.

back from the motherland

so i'm finally back on a much needed break. my six consecutive months in china were interesting, but it's really alot more than a decent well-mannered westerner can endure. i have to admit though that i'm suffering a bit of reverse culture shock here at home.

where's all the unapologetic pushing and cutting in line?

and the spitting, nosepicking and belching in public?

where's all the mismatched outfits and flipflops with socks?

why don't people cross the street here assuming they have some special invisible force field that will protect them from a 2 ton pile of steel racing towards them at 60 mph?

why can't someone smoke in a hospital?

and most importantly, no squatting?!

kindergarten all over again...

some of you know that i am down south for a couple of weeks in hangzhou, my dad's hometown, conducting what I would call an "internship". it's kind of like a job, but without the responsibilities; a quasi-survey of the chinese architectural workplace if you will.

anyways i started working here a few days ago and i have to say, for all the sweatshop stories we hear from china, the setup in this office ain't all that bad. take today for example: come in at 9am. worked on some drawings until 11:24am, when the guy that i'm working with comes in and says, "let's go to lunch!". no complaints from me as we head to the restaurant downstairs and take an hour lunch before heading back to the office.

but here's the best part...everyone pulls out their blue plastic mats and takes an afternoon nap until 2:00PM! the dude i'm working with even has a special foldable lounger and a blanket he keeps behind the door for his afternoon snooze. i woke up today feeling refreshed, but even better knowing there was only 4 more hours left in the workday.

i promise if i ever go back to work in the states again, i am going to be campaigning for the midday nap! who's with me?

hold the pork please...

here's another reason why they call it mystery meat and why you should probably hold back from eating anything you can't recognize. damn, i wish i had my camera for this one.

last week, i was up at the project job site, about an hour and a half drive from the city. it's definitely what i would call BFE, (mind you, BFE in china is still large, its got well over 500,000 people). after the meeting at the local architect's office, it was time for lunch and we went to one of the "better" (relative term) restaurants in town.

the dishes started to arrive one by one, and so far everything looked ok. a few minutes later, the waitress brings in this platter that upon first glance, looked like a dish full of roast pork (seemingly harmless). WRONG! (record scratching) just when i was about to take a bite of it, one of the contractors asks me, "do you know what that is?" "sure, it's roast pork, ain't it?" he chuckled (as if to say, "you dumbass")...it's PIG SNOUT!

yup, as you figured, that piece went right back to the platter faster than you can say "SQUEEEAL LIKE UHH PIG!" but here's the best part, it was a platter full of pig parts, none of which was actual pork. in addition to the pig snout, there was sliced pig liver, pig ears, AND pig tongue. no thanks...not interested in anything that tastes or smells me back!

sorry y'all

so i have to blame this one on work and not on (cough) big brother. i've been pretty swamped since the last posting, but finally taking somewhat of a breather the past few days. i also haven't had much material to post since it's not sweat shop policy to let the workers out and be free to roam the streets. i guess the factory owners are afraid that the neighbors next door might offer me an extra penny an hour to go work for them instead. i don't need the complications (nor the beating) - so i'm perfectly happy staying here making nike's for 18 cents an hour.

no white shoes after labor day...

but more importantly "NO FLESH COLORED PANTS, EVER!"

(i'd like to think i have acceptable photoshop skills, but i swear there's no funny business here!  i think i did a triple take to make sure my eye's weren't playing tricks on me!)


i took this follow-up rear angle shot just to prove my innocence to you all!

ouch.

what a way to catch a blind dude off guard!
the chinese either don't know how to read dimensions on a set of construction plans, or this is a really cruel joke.

note: for the average 5'-10" guy, the top of those pipes is precisely at genital height.  i checked.

i've been turned on!

call off the search party, he's alive!

after a long and unanticipated break, it seems that the "ensors-cay" have unexpectedly unlocked my blog!

is it a full moon outside?

or a political softening of heart in the days running up to the olympics?

or maybe because hillary is finally off the presidential ballot?

who cares...i'm back! most of you have probably wondered if i've fallen off the face of the earth or just been putting overtime in the factory so all the poor szechuan kids could have some shoes on their feet in wake of the earthquake - which in all seriousness was a huge tragedy here. even though it was almost a month ago, i just wanted to express my appreciation to all who sent me emails of concern wondering if i was ok. well...i'm ok.

so i've been checking on a daily basis to see if my site was ever going to be resurrected - all i would get is an endlessly "loading" page which resulted in...absolutely nothing. but i'm not holding my breath. who knows how long my site will be accessible until they discover today's post (seriously, copy-clipping the head of the prez on a pair of tits? that is surely a punishable crime!)

anyhow it's great to be back (for the time being). to all those who have been checking on a regular basis (i guess that's really only me), i'm sorry for the long period of inactivity (it ain't my fault!)...more posts coming soon!

nice and neat

who says the chinese don't trim their bushes?!

smells like fish...

i don't know about you, but besides some loose change, a used tissue, and a packet of warm gummy bears, i can't recall the last time i carried around some fishbones in my pocket...

mother, may i...?

hmmm...i wonder if i needed permission to take a picture of the sign that told me to ask for permission before taking pictures.

get 'em while it's hot!

warm beer i can barely accept, but HOT ORANGE JUICE?!

versace lives on!

i was told the official chinese translation of "versailles club" is HO LEE FUK.

black & blue

this post is dedicated to mia latina bonita, andrea.

one of the things you invariably do when you visit a foreign country is notice all the same things that you have back at home. a simple example is 'starbucks' - even the drink names are the same. but from time to time you see things that have a slight variation.

for example, this weekend i had the pleasure of taking a ride along the coastline here and noticed this:


cool! we have something similar back home in miami but its called:

road trip!

sorry for the long lapse since my last post - between all the business networking (pimping) and olympic torch hoopla (commie internet censorship), it's been hard finding the time to post and just accessing the blog site from here can be painfully slow. in order to make up for lost time, i'm offering you something i picked up on the way back from a two-day business trip up north.



may i suggest a simple little revision to get more locals to obey your seatbelt law? now chang and ming will know you're referring to them.



...and so is driving around with a bicycle spoke as a steering wheel while sticking your bleeding hand out the window, you stupid egghead!



...and DO NOT USE ADVERB WRONGLY.



apparently size does matter. if they really enforced this law, most guys here would be cruising in the left lane. who would have known driving in china could be this emasculating!

stop yer bitchin'!

this may just be my dumb-ass american logic at work, but maybe, just maybe if you tried a little harder to 'satisfy' your customers, you might not need the last 5 hotlines. but if that's too much to ask, may i suggest a 'grammar complain center' then?

lock up lassie!

i would like to preface this post with the fact that we're relatively close to north korea here, so don, this post is dedicated to you since you're a halfsie gook (yeah, you know where i'm going with this...)

i was having dinner last night with the gang, which consists of my aunt, uncle and a handful of employees that live on the premises with us. we all share the same table with a lazy susan full of 7 or 8 different dishes. as i quickly rotated past the congealed cubed pork collagen, i came up to this semi-familiar dish which i assumed was chicken. i took a bite and thought, "wow, this is some tender chicken!", not really paying attention to the fact that the bone structure was a little different. ten minutes later when everyone was about finished, the cook came out of the kitchen chuckling. so my aunt asked her, "what are you laughing about?". she replied sadistically,"i hope you guys liked the rabbit!"

my aunt went into apartment and within 60 seconds stormed out and said to the cook, "bitch, if i catch you serving dog to us, you're f**king fired!" (in chinese, of course)

(i apologize that there is no visual to go with today's post - and i don't mean of the rabbit...i mean of my aunt bitching at the cook! now that was exquisite.)

my "sentence" begins today

...and in "sentence" i mean, as in prison. this post marks my first full day in dalian (see my previous post for a location map). although i do have my own bedroom with a king size bed, bathroom (with a normal toilet), laundry service, and 3 meals a day cooked by a private chef, this place is nothing like shanghai! so why am i bitching? i'm living in a factory in the middle of an industrial park miles from the city with my aunt and uncle in the next room! i should just be lucky that there aren't any bars on my window and my bathroom breaks aren't supervised! so what size nike's do you all wear? make your requests now...

didn't the titanic sink already?

suzanne: this post is dedicated to you.
just what is it about celine dion that cracks me up everytime i see her? maybe it's this billboard! need i say more?

on a serious note though, i commend her for this strategic move towards self-preservation. when her vegas show back home starts to run dry (if it hasn't already), she'll have a backup base of 1.3 BILLION unsuspecting fans. i mean, would mariah carey have lasted this long had it not been for asians? don't pretend you didn't have her CD!

a pittsburgh connection

this one's really for the CMU crowd: so i was sitting at the communal table of my favorite fast food ramen noodle place, AJISEN RAMEN (see pic of napkin pak above -which consequently you have to pay for. here in china, napkins in restaurants aren't given out as freely as back at home. sometimes they automatically put them on your table, so you think it's free until you use it. next thing you know, there is a charge of 3RMB on your tab - which is really less than 50cents, but if the US dollar keeps on dropping, i might consider wiping my mouth on my sleeve next time.)

getting back to my original story...i was sitting at the communal table and in comes this kid that sits down in the seat in front of me. after we both get our food, he takes his jacket off and underneath was a PENN STATE t-shirt. being the nosy guy that i am, i asked him if he went there. he said he was a junior and that he was studying abroad for a semester in china. i told him i went to CMU and it turns out that his parents live in mount lebanon and own the szechuan house chinese restaurant up on murray avenue in squirrel hill. can the world be any smaller? do you remember how many studio all nighters were started with takeout delivery from szechuan house? kelly used to call for us all the time!

lost in translation, part 1

this topic is almost obligatory for any blog about china, so there will be more 'parts' to follow. i found this coming down an escalator from a local electronics superstore. what an awesome concept...a BEST BUY with happy endings! corporate management, take note!

follow the yellow jacket road?

i went to suzhou yesterday with some friends to tour the i.m. pei designed art museum. it's about an hour and a half hour drive from shanghai, but since the museum isn't really worth showing, i'm offering this little bit of sunshine (literally). call me crazy, but which white tour guide's decision was it to make all the 'asian' tourists wear 'yellow' jackets?


since we're on the topic, i've dug this up from my archives of a china trip past. poor guys, they probably had no idea they'd end up on my blog under these circumstances...

where's your asian friend?

some of you have asked me where i am. so for the geographically challenged, i'm posting a map of where i am and where i will be. for those who think all asians look the same, i've taken the liberty to post some of the well-known figures from the surrounding countries to help you make out the distinction.

the great leap...backward?

i was perusing my new shanghai travel book this evening and came upon this page which i believe has single-handedly set the entire chinese population back about another 20 years. seriously guys, is this necessary? i mean we get it already! now if you'll excuse me, i have to get back to my alegebra problems.

shanghai speed daters

last weekend, i went to a speed-dating function with my cousin, Joe (real name concealed to protect the innocent) and i must say it was an eye-opening experience. in a nutshell, it was not a slam dunk showing for the local shanghai girls. although neither of us went in with any expectations, it was a total letdown and unfortunately we couldn't get our money back. holy crap, where to begin?

so here's how it went down: 15 girls, 8 minutes with each girl. after the 8 mins, all guys get up and switch to the next girl. then repeat again until you've seen all 15.

here are some of the highlights:

1. one girl was stuffing her mouth with a huge ass bowl of wonton soup while i was sitting there trying to make conversation. nice touch. nothing says SEXY like a mouthful of meat...dumplings.

2. i made a comment to another girl saying she looked like she was from a province near russia where the people have more caucausian features. she sat back and gave me a really dirty look. between you and me, she looked like she had a facelift. reminded me of joan rivers, but asian. i didn't say that to her face, but i swear the next 7 minutes felt like an eternity.

3. this other chick said i looked japanese. i said, "why?". she said, "because of your beard". i commented that my mom wants me to shave it. she said "DON'T shave it! you look very "sexy" with it (at least this is what i thought she said). personally, i'm sure she would have sucked my d**k if i whipped it out right there...or any other guy's for that matter. get where i'm going with this? yeah honey, 8 minutes x 15 guys - i'm no math wizard, but it seems that you're wasting time on money you could otherwise be banking tonight. is that your pimp calling?

4. lastly, there was this chick that worked for a french cosmetics company. sounds like a recipe for a hot girl, except i couldn't see her behind the mountain full of excess emotional baggage and the 10 foot pole stuck up her tight ass.

so if anything came out of that night, it's that i am able to share these throughly entertaining 8 minute moments with my friends. i feel like an undercover spy reporting on the deep dark dirty secrets of the shanghai speed dating scene. god i crack myself up. i just wish i had a built-in camera in my brain so i could download some visuals to go with my report. now that would be priceless!

now that i've fully recovered from my pure amusement as a result from that night's event, i do have to say that it's going to be that much tougher to meet someone here. the really well qualified girls are most likely already spoken for by now. so what's left? speed dating rejects!

before i go, i have to mention something...what the f**k is up with all these dudes here sportin' the teased up mullets and long fingernails? (once i full immerse myself as a true asian, i will go out and buy a fancy cell phone with a camera and take a picture of one inconspicuously. it is truly a sight to be witnessed!). surely all the spitting and burping will make them more attractive. that's if you're really a guy. i swear you can't tell sometimes!

the starbucks invasion

i will debut my long-awaited blog with a tribute to the epitome of american morning rituals...ah, yes the filling of the paper starbucks coffee cup.

think its hard to avoid a starbucks back in the states? there are no less than 3, yes i said 3, starbucks stores in a one block radius from my apartment building. two of them exist in the same shopping mall - granted its a really big shopping mall, so if you ever wanted to meet a friend there, good luck on using starbucks as a meeting spot. your friend will most likely be waiting at one of the other 8 stores in the same mall. (more on china's deep fascination with the excessively large mall coming soon...)

i will say though that if you ever want to feel like you're home by letting the words "i'd like a tall mocha latte with a double shot of expresso and whipped cream" roll off your tongue, you might want to go to your nearest McDonald's to order a "Big Mac" instead. getting the pleasure to order something in straight, unadulterated english at the local starbucks might prove to be a futile attempt. you will most likely get a blank (sometimes confused) stare as a tumbleweed blows by in the background. it's hit or miss on getting a starbucks "partner" (yes this is what they're referred as) to take and fully understand your order in english. you're better off pointing or just ordering an empty paper cup.

there is one good thing about having all these starbucks in china...it's a great place to meet other americans. who else in the world would pay $6 for cup of joe?