shanghai speed daters

last weekend, i went to a speed-dating function with my cousin, Joe (real name concealed to protect the innocent) and i must say it was an eye-opening experience. in a nutshell, it was not a slam dunk showing for the local shanghai girls. although neither of us went in with any expectations, it was a total letdown and unfortunately we couldn't get our money back. holy crap, where to begin?

so here's how it went down: 15 girls, 8 minutes with each girl. after the 8 mins, all guys get up and switch to the next girl. then repeat again until you've seen all 15.

here are some of the highlights:

1. one girl was stuffing her mouth with a huge ass bowl of wonton soup while i was sitting there trying to make conversation. nice touch. nothing says SEXY like a mouthful of meat...dumplings.

2. i made a comment to another girl saying she looked like she was from a province near russia where the people have more caucausian features. she sat back and gave me a really dirty look. between you and me, she looked like she had a facelift. reminded me of joan rivers, but asian. i didn't say that to her face, but i swear the next 7 minutes felt like an eternity.

3. this other chick said i looked japanese. i said, "why?". she said, "because of your beard". i commented that my mom wants me to shave it. she said "DON'T shave it! you look very "sexy" with it (at least this is what i thought she said). personally, i'm sure she would have sucked my d**k if i whipped it out right there...or any other guy's for that matter. get where i'm going with this? yeah honey, 8 minutes x 15 guys - i'm no math wizard, but it seems that you're wasting time on money you could otherwise be banking tonight. is that your pimp calling?

4. lastly, there was this chick that worked for a french cosmetics company. sounds like a recipe for a hot girl, except i couldn't see her behind the mountain full of excess emotional baggage and the 10 foot pole stuck up her tight ass.

so if anything came out of that night, it's that i am able to share these throughly entertaining 8 minute moments with my friends. i feel like an undercover spy reporting on the deep dark dirty secrets of the shanghai speed dating scene. god i crack myself up. i just wish i had a built-in camera in my brain so i could download some visuals to go with my report. now that would be priceless!

now that i've fully recovered from my pure amusement as a result from that night's event, i do have to say that it's going to be that much tougher to meet someone here. the really well qualified girls are most likely already spoken for by now. so what's left? speed dating rejects!

before i go, i have to mention something...what the f**k is up with all these dudes here sportin' the teased up mullets and long fingernails? (once i full immerse myself as a true asian, i will go out and buy a fancy cell phone with a camera and take a picture of one inconspicuously. it is truly a sight to be witnessed!). surely all the spitting and burping will make them more attractive. that's if you're really a guy. i swear you can't tell sometimes!